March Madness Elite 8 Day 1: In the Jackpot

We've finally made it to the Elite 8, and for the first time since 2009, all four 1-seeds are still... just kidding. Did you honestly think I'd start there after the absolutely blasphemous slate of games last night? MY @$$ IS IN THE JACKPOT HERE!!!!! YOU GOTTA GIVE OUR BOYS A SHOT!!!!!! (context). What in gods name did we just witness? Honestly. What was that?

Kentucky and Tennessee. I mean, in the first premier SEC vs SEC matchup of the tournament you'd assume the boys would show some pride for representing "the best conference", but no. Instead, with over a minute to go and a basket away from the over, we go turnover-turnover-turnover-turnover to end the game. Sorry, I didn't realize the final minute of some of y'all's basketball career was the opportune moment to act like it's recess in third grade and the basket has f-ing cooties on it. Seriously, grow up.

And then we have Purdue. Oh f----ing Purdue. If I could, I'd type an MLA-formatted five-paragraph essays of unique swear words to describe that group of bums up there in Indiana. You ungrateful, gutty group of try-hards. We're looking OT and an over hit dead in the eyes and you FORGET TO COVER THE INBOUNDER??? I stopped playing basketball in 7th grade and even I know that's THE most important rule of defending an inbounds play under the basket. And go figure it's you lot who pride yourselves on fundamentals who decide to forget in that moment, screw the over bettors and any shot Houston had of putting you in your place in OT to cover. I am SO happy I never have to watch this Purdue team for the rest of my life. Hey Jon Rothstein, might want to amend your "Matt Painter. Pounding Nails" slogan to "Pounding Nails Into My Eyeballs".

Finally, the meaningless shot heard around the world. Call me Mookie Betts because that shot made me feel like throwing up for 4-days straight and becoming a fan of bowling. Just why, Ole Miss. I mean you always have been the WORST group of losers in our country's history. So I guess clanking in a logo-3 to lose by 3 and screw my -3.5 bet is the Mississippi basketball version of flying the Confederate flag 100+ years after you lost the Civil War. You lost. Take your ball and go home. For a state that ranks dead-last in Economy and Healthcare you sure cost me a lot of money and a heart attack. Go figure. To be fair though, I did text frequent-reader Scotty Bokes as MSU were shooting their final free throws that I saw it coming. (proof below).

ANYWHOS!!!! 1-4 Day thanks to some schoolyard bulls--t. 38-26 on the Tourney. I barely have the will to carry on.

[3] Texas Tech vs [1] Florida

Florida -7.5, Total 158.5

Texas Tech pulled a miracle comeback to force OT in their last matchup and were a head-scratching, timeout-still-in-the-pocket away from not being here. I seriously think Florida has the best shot to cut down the nets of any team not named Duke, and I think the emotional rollercoaster works against Tech. Tech knows they cannot keep up in a track meet here, so look for them to emphasize defense and slow the pace. It won't work. Give me the Gators and the under here but I'm fully expecting JT Toppin to bank-in a hook shot over a double team to screw the over and -7.5 in this one. I mean what is the point of it all any more.

The Pick: Florida -7.5 AND Under 158.5

[2] Alabama vs [1] Duke

Duke -7.5, Total 174.5

The Crimson Tide are coming off the best shooting performance I've ever seen in my life. If you take out half-court heave before halftime, the went 25 of 50 from 3. If they missed every 2-point shot, they still would've beat BYU. The total crossed the 200 mark and it was quite possibly the most fun watch ever. I'd still be buzzing about it if it wasn't for worthless Purdue and Ole Miss ruining my month. Jackasses. It would be near impossible to repeat that shooting performance against Duke, a team way better defensively and way taller on the perimeter. But they will sure-as-hell try to. I was taking the over before I saw the number because it is the only pure way to watch this game. Root for greatness, hope Nelson, Sears, and Flagg all go 14 for 14. It could be the game of the decade.

The Pick: OVER 174.5